The following is a true story. I almost wish it wasn't.
Before I tell it, I want to write about what happened to my cousin a few decades ago. My cousin is a teacher, but once upon a time she was also a Hollywood extra. One day, she was waiting on a set (something Hollywood extras spend 99% their time doing), when a man sat down at her table and tried to chat her up. This happened all the time to my good-looking cousin, but she was a happily married woman, so she didn't even look up from the book she was reading, All the President's Men. She was polite enough to answer yes when the man asked if she liked the book; she just didn't look up and make eye contact.
Until he made a comment about starring in the movie. Then she did look up -- and saw that she had been chatting with Dustin Hoffman. At which point she did what any sensible person would do: she apologized for her inattention, assured him of her great admiration for his work, and asked him to autograph her book. Which he did.
Yesterday, I was in Glasgow for a series of job interviews and to meet my daughter for a late lunch. It was a cold, blustery day and I'd had little sleep the night before after wrestling with a long, taxing translating/editing job. After getting lost half a dozen times and walking several miles, followed by a confusing trip on the train to Glasgow Central Station, I was exhausted, and exasperated to find that my daughter was late.
So I found a Costa coffee shop and nipped in for an espresso, but there was a long line. Too tired to spend even one more minute on my feet, I sat down to wait -- and dozed off. I don't do this often, but every time I do, something weird happens. This time was no exception: somebody rapped on the window. I thought it might be my daughter, so I shook myself awake, and saw a stranger grinning and waving at me. Not just any stranger either, but some guy got up to look like Captain Jack Sparrow in full pirate regalia. The resemblance was quite striking -- whoever they'd picked looked exactly like Johnny Depp -- but I was in a sour mood and very irritated to be woken up; I gave him my dirtiest look, mouthed something Captain Jack Sparrow himself might say, then settled back into my chair to doze off again.
When my daughter finally showed up, I told her the story. After insisting that I must have been dreaming, she thought it was hilarious. So did my husband when he came to pick us up.
Then today, my daughter sent me this.
Would somebody who knows how to do these things please put me out of my misery and find out if Johnny Depp actually was in Glasgow yesterday, near the Buchanan Street Galleries? Never mind that he wasn't Dustin Hoffman; if I actually met Johnny Depp yesterday, even through a window, I really want to know so I can write to my cousin and tell her.
If the man I saw really was Johnny Depp, here is a message for him: There are over six hundred thousand people in Glasgow, and half of them were at that shopping mall yesterday. 80% of that number were women, 100% of whom would give their eyeteeth to chat you up. Why did you have to pick the one person who was sleeping?
