Thursday, 19 May 2011

Dissing Johnny Depp

The following is a true story. I almost wish it wasn't.

Before I tell it, I want to write about what happened to my cousin a few decades ago. My cousin is a teacher, but once upon a time she was also a Hollywood extra. One day, she was waiting on a set (something Hollywood extras spend 99% their time doing), when a man sat down at her table and tried to chat her up. This happened all the time to my good-looking cousin, but she was a happily married woman, so she didn't even look up from the book she was reading, All the President's Men. She was polite enough to answer yes when the man asked if she liked the book; she just didn't look up and make eye contact.

Until he made a comment about starring in the movie. Then she did look up -- and saw that she had been chatting with Dustin Hoffman. At which point she did what any sensible person would do: she apologized for her inattention, assured him of her great admiration for his work, and asked him to autograph her book. Which he did.

Yesterday, I was in Glasgow for a series of job interviews and to meet my daughter for a late lunch. It was a cold, blustery day and I'd had little sleep the night before after wrestling with a long, taxing translating/editing job. After getting lost half a dozen times and walking several miles, followed by a confusing trip on the train to Glasgow Central Station, I was exhausted, and exasperated to find that my daughter was late.

So I found a Costa coffee shop and nipped in for an espresso, but there was a long line. Too tired to spend even one more minute on my feet, I sat down to wait -- and dozed off. I don't do this often, but every time I do, something weird happens. This time was no exception: somebody rapped on the window. I thought it might be my daughter, so I shook myself awake, and saw a stranger grinning and waving at me. Not just any stranger either, but some guy got up to look like Captain Jack Sparrow in full pirate regalia. The resemblance was quite striking -- whoever they'd picked looked exactly like Johnny Depp -- but I was in a sour mood and very irritated to be woken up; I gave him my dirtiest look, mouthed something Captain Jack Sparrow himself might say, then settled back into my chair to doze off again.

When my daughter finally showed up, I told her the story. After insisting that I must have been dreaming, she thought it was hilarious. So did my husband when he came to pick us up.

Then today, my daughter sent me this.

Would somebody who knows how to do these things please put me out of my misery and find out if Johnny Depp actually was in Glasgow yesterday, near the Buchanan Street Galleries? Never mind that he wasn't Dustin Hoffman; if I actually met Johnny Depp yesterday, even through a window, I really want to know so I can write to my cousin and tell her.

If the man I saw really was Johnny Depp, here is a message for him: There are over six hundred thousand people in Glasgow, and half of them were at that shopping mall yesterday. 80% of that number were women, 100% of whom would give their eyeteeth to chat you up. Why did you have to pick the one person who was sleeping?

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28 comments:

Kappa no He said...

Oh, this is too hilarious! I think he's in Japan. At least he's been on all the "wide" shows for the last couple days. I'll check!

kiperoo said...

OMG, hysterical. This is why I'm passing the "Irresistibly Sweet Blog Award" on to you. Not sure if you've already had it, but you can always get it again, right?
http://kiperoo.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/sweet/

Lynne said...

LOL that is too funny. if it was really Johnny Depp it makes it all the more funnier. Thanks for sharing. <3

Chocolatesa said...

Oh no! I'd be dying if I were you and it really WAS him!!

KLM said...

Johnny Depp seems like the impish sort who would get a kick out of waking up a napping Scotswoman (or someone who seems to be). So who knows? Maybe it was him after all. Although I'm sure there are a ready supply of nutty, Capt Jack Sparrow fans out there who are preparing to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Doesn't it open this week?

But the larger point is that this is yet another cautionary tale about falling asleep in public. You're lucky nobody drew a mustache on you with indelible ink. :)

meredith said...

That's funny! Who knows, maybe it was him?
I had something weird like that happen to me in Hawaii...I was in a KFC fast-food line ordering chicken to go when a man behind me told me my shoes were untied. I didn't bother turning around, I just told him that if it bothered him so much, he could tie them for me...which he then proceeded to do. I looked down at the stranger tying my shoes and came face to face with JFK jr. I think. When I I found the ability to speak again, I asked him if he was who I thought he was and he just laughed. I later found out (years later) that he was in Hawaii with a cousin and a friend the week that the handsome man tied my shoes.

Anne M Leone said...

Hah! Oh, too funny! That sounds like something I'd do! =)

Mary Witzl said...

Kappa -- Please do! I want to know for sure whether that was him or a very successful impostor.

Kiperoo -- Thank you very much for that! I'm terrible about picking up my awards, but I always appreciate getting them.

Lynne -- If that really was Johnny Depp, my daughter may never forgive me for being grouchy. But I'll bet she'll be sorry she kept me waiting too.

Chocolatesa -- I almost don't care whether it was him or not, I'm just desperate to know one way or another where he was on Wednesday. If I really did diss Johnny Depp when I had a chance to meet him and maybe even get a hug and a photo op, I've got friends who may never speak to me again. Gulp.

KLM -- He does seem like the type to do this sort of thing, doesn't he? That's what's so awful about this: it's the sort of playful thing he'd do, and the fact that he did it almost anonymously makes it all the more whimsical and charming. God: now I REALLY feel sorry.

Nobody could draw a mustache on me without pinning me down first. I'm such a light sleeper, I wake up at the tiniest sound. I have, however, missed bus stops.

Meredith -- What a GREAT story! I'm so impressed that you actually got John-John to tie your shoes. I once got his uncle, Bobby Kennedy, to shake my hand, but that's not anywhere near as impressive: at the time, everybody was lining up for it.

Anne -- I'm glad I'm not the only one who wakes up a little grouchy. But on this occasion, I really wish I hadn't.

Charles Gramlich said...

LOL. I'm hoping it really was him.

Kim Ayres said...

Whether it was him or not, the idea that it might have been was good enough for a blog post :)

Suelle said...

Great post Mary! It makes a wonderful story to hand down thru the generations... "My great-great-grandmother once scowled at Johnny Depp!"

Dale said...

Playing hard to get was the best strategy anyway. He'll be back.

Carole said...

Very funny. Years ago when I worked in an engraving shop some fellow came in had me engrave his band's name on his solid silver belt buckle. I thought his name was weird,(I had never heard of him) but when I told my boys who he was they about decked me because I didn't get his autograph. Axl Rose.

Vijaya said...

Too funny. You didn't scream? That would've been a nightmare for me.

Aledys Ver said...

Oh my God!! You had me laughing out loud at this one! You may want to check on his official fan clug website to see if they know what he ewas up to that day...
This was hilarius!

Aledys Ver said...

just realised I wrote, "fan clug" :D instead of "club"!! hehe

Catherine A. Winn said...

Oh, how funny and sad at the same time. Surely he wasn't in full costume if he wasn't filming. But, you never know :)

Robin said...

That is hilarious! If it was Johnny scouting around for location for a vampire movie, why was he dressed as Jack Sparrow? Wouldn't it be funny if he secretly dresses in the costume all the time?

annebingham said...

I think you might have been pranked by a lookalike. Depp was in London on the 18th, in full costume, but I, personally, think it's unlikely he also was in Glasgow the same day. Here's the link: http://www.realradio-scotland.co.uk/news-sport/national-news/johnny-depp-takes-schoolgirl-to-premiere/kawxybac/

Mary Witzl said...

Charles -- Turns out it was his double, in Glasgow promoting the next Pirates movie. But I still think it was him.

Kim -- The thought crossed my mind when I couldn't drop off again: 'at least I can write about this'.

Suelle -- You're right! One of my great-grandmothers shot a grizzly bear in front of her cabin in Kentucky. My story is tame by comparison, but it'll have to do.

Dale -- There must be something totally captivating about a grumpy, unenthusiastic middle-aged woman, eh? ;o)

Carole -- That is a great story! Our experiences were wasted on us, weren't they? If it makes you feel any better, I had to ask who Axl Rose was too. Fortunately, I HAVE heard of Guns 'n Roses.

Vijaya -- I didn't scream, but I'm feeling ashamed of having mouthed a bad word. At least it wasn't an AMERICAN bad word; Johnny Depp hasn't lived in the U.K., so he may not have realized I was swearing.

Aledys -- I haven't checked his website, but I did find this (poorly written article) in the Evening News: http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/news/surprise-as-sparrow-lands-in-buchanan-street-1.1102352. I wasn't dreaming! It really DID happen!

Catherine -- They say it was his double. But I'll tell you this: he's got a great double. Johnny's own mother would might have gotten confused.

Robin -- I've thought of all sorts of reasons why: maybe he's not sure about whether Scotland is a good filming venue and he was gauging his popularity there? In which case, I've really messed things up. No way he knew the woman he was so rudely disturbing was a fellow American.

Anne -- They say that IS what happened -- I found this in the evening news: http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/news/surprise-as-sparrow-lands-in-buchanan-street-1.1102352 Funny they missed the REAL scoop: 'Middle-aged woman disses Johnny Depp'. THAT would have been news.

Medeia Sharif said...

Hopefully it was all a dream and you didn't mouth off the real Johnny Depp.

Mary Witzl said...

Medeia -- My daughter and husband said the same thing: "It must have been a dream" -- but I later learned that this really happened: http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/news/surprise-as-sparrow-lands-in-buchanan-street-1.1102352

So it seems I'm in the clear as far as the real Johnny is concerned.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Johnny probably had an interesting story to tell his friends as well... about one person who didn't melt in front of him in adoration.

Pat said...

Oh my word!
From what I have been hearing about Mr Depp lately - dropping in on a school to surprise a little boy - chances are it was him. And of course he would choose the one person who wasn't actually drooling - or perhaps you were - I do sometimes in my sleep.
Very funny story:)

Pat said...

What's the bad word that's not American?

Mary Witzl said...

Robert -- If he'd given me a minute or two to get over the irritation of having been woken up, it might have been a whole different story.

Pat -- Johnny Depp dropped in on a little boy at a school, to surprise him? Now I'm in love. (Come back, Johnny! I didn't care at first, but now I do!)

As for the non-American expression I used (blush), it was S-O-D O-F-F. I'm normally very polite and sweet-tempered, but I have a very hard time falling asleep. So when I do manage to do this and get woken up -- for nothing! -- my Mr. Hyde comes right out and strangles my Dr. Jekyll. (But I'm still ashamed.)

Postman said...

Jeez, I didn't even run into Ian Anderson in Scotland, and I was LOOKING for him! Rats. You lead a charmed, somnolent life.

Girl Friday said...

Haha that's a great story, I'm glad it only turned out to be his double though, so you weren't too disappointed!